12 October 2014
I thought I have already forgotten you completely, but it’s not.
I wonder why the process of forgetting something, there’s a part of it that you will be missing it. It’s been a week, and I am entirely fine, but right now I felt I am missing her again. Perhaps part of forgetting the feeling is missing the memories we have shared together. I can still bear with it though.
I am hoping that it will just stick around for a while.
Honestly, I am missing her right at this moment.
See you again when we both see each other!
07 October 2014
It’s been more than a week since the last letter I made. That’s the letter I can called goodbye or something a start of moving on. It’s hard to make that letter, though, because I was thinking about the person. Imagining her is in front of me while writing those words. I never thought that I could finish the letter, well, I took time for me to finally finish it.
After doing that, I made a break for my heart. I took a pause, I couldn’t even express my thoughts clearly. As if I am starting from the very beginning where both of us are strangers and making thing to be friends. The feeling is like that. It seems different that I couldn’t explain clearly. Perhaps, my mind now cooperates with my feelings this time. I was thinking that she will be leaving soon and everything will be back to normal, so before it happens, I need to restore or bring back the old me. The Me who doesn’t feel anything towards her.
I merely ease the feeling and it’s almost fading. I felt fine with it. She already not appearing in my dreams. It’s almost normal.
Before she left, I enjoy the remaining days accompanying her, have fun being with her because I believe after we will be separated everything will surely change, we may like it or not. I based this with my experience with most of my friends after we separated we look like strangers.
As of now, I will be living my days without you. Indeed, I might miss you, but I will be used to it soon.
No matter what happens, one thing that will never change are the memories we have shared together that I will always cherish.
Thanks for the time that you have been part of my life!
© photo by Giannis Angelakis
29 September 2014
To my dearest:
Perhaps, you are wondering why I wrote a letter for you. I just want to justify myself since I am already certain about my feelings towards you.
Two of our close friends already knew about it. They said it would be so unfair for you for not knowing. I felt bad about it because you are the closest friend I ever had. I don’t want to lie anymore in front of your eyes. I want to make everything clear.
You know, making this is letter took time for me to think. Would it be alright? Will everything be just fine afterwards? I don’t even know where to start my words, but here I will be brave enough to confess everything.
It’s been a year that we are both having a good friend relationship. I am blessed to have you in my life. We share both good and bad times. We both enjoy each other companionship, that’s why it makes me hard to confess everything because I am afraid to lose you. You are the person I never thought to be my closest friend. You taught me something I want to be blind to. You showed the real world that I am afraid to face in. You are the sweetest person I have ever met. Perhaps, that’s the reason you captured my heart accidentally.
I felt something for you. I’ve been wondering about it. You make me confused about myself. Sometimes, I can’t even help myself for knowing what this feeling I felt towards you. Thus, I asked help from some of our friends. Some of them makes it better and some makes it worst.
A friend told me that I am sweet, but there’s a special sweetness I do have towards you. After hearing those words, I tried not to be the person before. There are times I become rude. I avoided to become sweet again. I know you feel it sometimes and cause you upset about it. I am sorry if I make you mad.
She told me that I must attempt to avoid you as much as possible. Then, I did.
It’s been awhile that I haven’t seen you. I have avoided to think of you then I got insomnia in return. Eliminating you to be part of my dream gives me the difficulties to sleep. A piece of sacrifice for those sleepless nights.
For those nights, I came to seize all the affection I have. I think, maybe I like you because you are my closest friend. Yet, I don’t really know. I don’t even know myself anymore. Sometimes, I cried because I am afraid to fall for you completely. I know that you are not a perfect lover for me, but sometimes I can’t help myself to think of you.
You have been true to me, but I am not. I keep hiding my feelings for I don’t know what the real thing inside of me is.
There was a time you asked me, why I will cry? I will cry because you are the only one that I can call best friend and I am afraid to lose you, but if he is the man that can make you happy, then I’ll be happy for you.
As of this moment, I want you to be on my side - be your friend. Though, somehow I miss you, but I guess it is better not to see you every day.
“They are just a mere memory in your thoughts by the time you think of them, this is what you will feel if you are no longer in love to a person. There’s no special feeling arises, unlike before. As simple as you conceive an idea. Even though it’s odd to feel that way since you are used to have something towards them, it’s better to accept the fact for the betterment of once future.”
I desire to feel this way and I wish to completely get rid of this feeling. I hope it’s not only for today but forever. I am forbidding myself to create a sin once more. I can feel like this because I am far away from you there’s still a tendency that it might change if I am with you. It’s really hard to predict what will happen next. I can’t even say a definite conclusion.
Until now, I didn’t know if my love for you is just like a sibling relationship nothing more than that. I am hoping that this is only like that. I may not conclude my feelings towards you yet, but one thing I am certain I am grateful that you are part of my life. Till then, if we meet again in the future, maybe I can make my own conclusion to this feeling. However, as of now I want to live my life I am used to be.
I still don’t have the courage to tell you all of these face to face, even giving this letter is hard to do. I don’t even know when will you read this letter - it might be the time wherein we are still friends or no longer.
I don’t even know if I look back on this day, would I regret for not saying so or I’ll be happy for not doing anything. Would I be just fine and laugh about what I have done to myself?
The best thing I have learned from you is that you taught me how to love unconditionally and be happy for the person you love, even if she means everything to you.
If you could only know, I am so blissful for God gave me you even if for a short while.
Thank you and I love you.
© photo by S.Y
25 September 2014
Am I Ready?
To step ahead with bravery and courage to create a new chapter of my story.
Midnight, I opened up myself to a friend again to whom I can confide my feelings with.
A crisis happens to us on whatever aspect of life. In any manner, it might give good or bad impact to each of our lives. This is what’s happening to me now. Something that I must change as soon as possible.
Shifting the mentality is a vital process to undergo many changes at the end. Only the mind can make a difference not the heart. This is what I have gotten word from her.
The fact is, I know it will be hard, but I am attempting to do what she said. I need to justify myself and restore my self-respect. I know the process will take a bit longer yet I must not give up. Words can easily be forgotten while action is the hardest thing to do.
Sooner or later I’ll be starting to face the fact. The fact that I am afraid of facing off.
Still, fear is inside of me. I am scared. I am weak. I am easily daunt. I am having trouble. I felt like I am on the edge of the world. This feeling is uncertain and soon I need to be ascertained enough to face the fact.
Even so, the question still remains…
© photo by Varun Suresh
23 September 2014
In any way, why is it wanting and forgetting you is the most insignificant thing I asked from God?
Now, this is what it feels like being broken hearted, even if you are not actually broken because the person you like doesn’t even know how much you like her.
Please, help me to get rid of this insanity. Seriously, what’s wrong with me? Even how hard I tried, I end up thinking about her. I am horrible with this ridiculous feeling.
Argh! I really want to set myself free from this!
23 September 2014
You have known that I like you the way it won’t be accepted.
What if, someday, I might have the tendency to kiss you, would you forgive me from doing so?
My feelings towards you haven’t changed. Still the same old thing. I have been missing you when you are not. You make me fall when you are near. You always makes me confused about my gender. I don’t know why, it is hard for me to forget you and the feeling, completely. I keep restarting myself but nothing has ever changed.
I have tried to cheat myself. I have told myself that I don’t like you anymore and the feeling has been gone. It turns out that I felt hatred of something. The feeling of loneliness and anxiety capturing me. Thus, I stop yet when I look back the feeling hasn’t changed a bit.
Worse thing is that sometimes you appeared in my dreams. Feels like it is real. I have been doing my best to move on but why it seems hard to forget. Then, you appeared in my dream. What are you doing there!?
I am a dead beat of myself.
Why do I want you?…
© photo by Chung Hu Leung
20 September 2014
Everything has changed.
What would make you happy?
Now, I am in the process of retrieving my old ego. I thought it would be easy, but it seems not at all.
I was so much happier back then. I have absolutely nothing to worry about. I am grateful about everything. Still, wanting my old self merely hard to accomplish.
Love comes to us unconditionally happy for a bit, simply if we decided to give up on it, it is actually pretty hard.
I had wonderful days being in love with someone, but at once, everything has switched. I felt dullness of my life. Without you, my days are nothing.
Even so, I need to go on living without you…
© photo by Photokore
15 September 2014
It’s hard to say how “Love” can cherish or ruin someone’s life. We can’t be ascertained that when we say that we are moving on it means it’s all over, but it’s not. The feeling stays and it might hurt by denying. Love is a mere word, but the best yet the worst feeling you may possess. It is something we could never give up so easily. It takes time to heal and it takes time to finally put an end.
I know more about you more than I thought I could learn from the other. I have felt your pain and your wonders. I have well-informed about your best and worst. Yet, though I learned something I thought, a reason I hated a person, however I can’t come to hate or even dislike you. Every time I learn something from you, I am craving for more. Even sometimes knowing something about leads me to hate, but I can’t feel hating you. I am accepting all of you nothing more I ask from you.
You are my friend and I will be yours.
If everything is right and just, I am staying beside you even the odds against it. I’ll be still your friend, I hope that you are the same to me.
One day in the future, we will separate our lives. Change comes next. You and I may change, but I won’t regret anything. As I look back the past that I am with you, I can reminisce the memories we had as a good friend.
Right now, all I want you is to be on my side my dear friend. That’s all I ask for, nothing more, nothing less.
11 September 2014
Today, I was enlightened by the truth hidden in my eyes.
It’s already confirmed. I no longer need to be confused anymore.
Thanks to my beloved friend! ❤
10 September 2014
You are like a drug even if no matter how much i tried to give up on you yet my heart still wanting you.
I used to imagine to be with you. I am happy. I am fine. You are more than a friend but I am afraid to make you my lover, because I am not your happiness.
Hoping that it’s only a daydream and sooner i’ll wake up from this insanity without having any memories.
Why do I need to be like this, I am not even wishing for it. Why I do keep hurting myself for the same reason? I am sick of it and still keeping on it.
I no longer need help from others, all I need is to start helping myself.
© photo by Adriane Dizon