29 September 2014
To my dearest:
Perhaps, you are wondering why I wrote a letter for you. I just want to justify myself since I am already certain about my feelings towards you.
Two of our close friends already knew about it. They said it would be so unfair for you for not knowing. I felt bad about it because you are the closest friend I ever had. I don’t want to lie anymore in front of your eyes. I want to make everything clear.
You know, making this is letter took time for me to think. Would it be alright? Will everything be just fine afterwards? I don’t even know where to start my words, but here I will be brave enough to confess everything.
It’s been a year that we are both having a good friend relationship. I am blessed to have you in my life. We share both good and bad times. We both enjoy each other companionship, that’s why it makes me hard to confess everything because I am afraid to lose you. You are the person I never thought to be my closest friend. You taught me something I want to be blind to. You showed the real world that I am afraid to face in. You are the sweetest person I have ever met. Perhaps, that’s the reason you captured my heart accidentally.
I felt something for you. I’ve been wondering about it. You make me confused about myself. Sometimes, I can’t even help myself for knowing what this feeling I felt towards you. Thus, I asked help from some of our friends. Some of them makes it better and some makes it worst.
A friend told me that I am sweet, but there’s a special sweetness I do have towards you. After hearing those words, I tried not to be the person before. There are times I become rude. I avoided to become sweet again. I know you feel it sometimes and cause you upset about it. I am sorry if I make you mad.
She told me that I must attempt to avoid you as much as possible. Then, I did.
It’s been awhile that I haven’t seen you. I have avoided to think of you then I got insomnia in return. Eliminating you to be part of my dream gives me the difficulties to sleep. A piece of sacrifice for those sleepless nights.
For those nights, I came to seize all the affection I have. I think, maybe I like you because you are my closest friend. Yet, I don’t really know. I don’t even know myself anymore. Sometimes, I cried because I am afraid to fall for you completely. I know that you are not a perfect lover for me, but sometimes I can’t help myself to think of you.
You have been true to me, but I am not. I keep hiding my feelings for I don’t know what the real thing inside of me is.
There was a time you asked me, why I will cry? I will cry because you are the only one that I can call best friend and I am afraid to lose you, but if he is the man that can make you happy, then I’ll be happy for you.
As of this moment, I want you to be on my side - be your friend. Though, somehow I miss you, but I guess it is better not to see you every day.
“They are just a mere memory in your thoughts by the time you think of them, this is what you will feel if you are no longer in love to a person. There’s no special feeling arises, unlike before. As simple as you conceive an idea. Even though it’s odd to feel that way since you are used to have something towards them, it’s better to accept the fact for the betterment of once future.”
I desire to feel this way and I wish to completely get rid of this feeling. I hope it’s not only for today but forever. I am forbidding myself to create a sin once more. I can feel like this because I am far away from you there’s still a tendency that it might change if I am with you. It’s really hard to predict what will happen next. I can’t even say a definite conclusion.
Until now, I didn’t know if my love for you is just like a sibling relationship nothing more than that. I am hoping that this is only like that. I may not conclude my feelings towards you yet, but one thing I am certain I am grateful that you are part of my life. Till then, if we meet again in the future, maybe I can make my own conclusion to this feeling. However, as of now I want to live my life I am used to be.
I still don’t have the courage to tell you all of these face to face, even giving this letter is hard to do. I don’t even know when will you read this letter - it might be the time wherein we are still friends or no longer.
I don’t even know if I look back on this day, would I regret for not saying so or I’ll be happy for not doing anything. Would I be just fine and laugh about what I have done to myself?
The best thing I have learned from you is that you taught me how to love unconditionally and be happy for the person you love, even if she means everything to you.
If you could only know, I am so blissful for God gave me you even if for a short while.
Thank you and I love you.
© photo by S.Y
25 September 2014
Am I Ready?
To step ahead with bravery and courage to create a new chapter of my story.
Midnight, I opened up myself to a friend again to whom I can confide my feelings with.
A crisis happens to us on whatever aspect of life. In any manner, it might give good or bad impact to each of our lives. This is what’s happening to me now. Something that I must change as soon as possible.
Shifting the mentality is a vital process to undergo many changes at the end. Only the mind can make a difference not the heart. This is what I have gotten word from her.
The fact is, I know it will be hard, but I am attempting to do what she said. I need to justify myself and restore my self-respect. I know the process will take a bit longer yet I must not give up. Words can easily be forgotten while action is the hardest thing to do.
Sooner or later I’ll be starting to face the fact. The fact that I am afraid of facing off.
Still, fear is inside of me. I am scared. I am weak. I am easily daunt. I am having trouble. I felt like I am on the edge of the world. This feeling is uncertain and soon I need to be ascertained enough to face the fact.
Even so, the question still remains…
© photo by Varun Suresh
23 September 2014
In any way, why is it wanting and forgetting you is the most insignificant thing I asked from God?
Now, this is what it feels like being broken hearted, even if you are not actually broken because the person you like doesn’t even know how much you like her.
Please, help me to get rid of this insanity. Seriously, what’s wrong with me? Even how hard I tried, I end up thinking about her. I am horrible with this ridiculous feeling.
Argh! I really want to set myself free from this!
23 September 2014
You have known that I like you the way it won’t be accepted.
What if, someday, I might have the tendency to kiss you, would you forgive me from doing so?
My feelings towards you haven’t changed. Still the same old thing. I have been missing you when you are not. You make me fall when you are near. You always makes me confused about my gender. I don’t know why, it is hard for me to forget you and the feeling, completely. I keep restarting myself but nothing has ever changed.
I have tried to cheat myself. I have told myself that I don’t like you anymore and the feeling has been gone. It turns out that I felt hatred of something. The feeling of loneliness and anxiety capturing me. Thus, I stop yet when I look back the feeling hasn’t changed a bit.
Worse thing is that sometimes you appeared in my dreams. Feels like it is real. I have been doing my best to move on but why it seems hard to forget. Then, you appeared in my dream. What are you doing there!?
I am a dead beat of myself.
Why do I want you?…
© photo by Chung Hu Leung
20 September 2014
Everything has changed.
What would make you happy?
Now, I am in the process of retrieving my old ego. I thought it would be easy, but it seems not at all.
I was so much happier back then. I have absolutely nothing to worry about. I am grateful about everything. Still, wanting my old self merely hard to accomplish.
Love comes to us unconditionally happy for a bit, simply if we decided to give up on it, it is actually pretty hard.
I had wonderful days being in love with someone, but at once, everything has switched. I felt dullness of my life. Without you, my days are nothing.
Even so, I need to go on living without you…
© photo by Photokore
15 September 2014
It’s hard to say how “Love” can cherish or ruin someone’s life. We can’t be ascertained that when we say that we are moving on it means it’s all over, but it’s not. The feeling stays and it might hurt by denying. Love is a mere word, but the best yet the worst feeling you may possess. It is something we could never give up so easily. It takes time to heal and it takes time to finally put an end.
I know more about you more than I thought I could learn from the other. I have felt your pain and your wonders. I have well-informed about your best and worst. Yet, though I learned something I thought, a reason I hated a person, however I can’t come to hate or even dislike you. Every time I learn something from you, I am craving for more. Even sometimes knowing something about leads me to hate, but I can’t feel hating you. I am accepting all of you nothing more I ask from you.
You are my friend and I will be yours.
If everything is right and just, I am staying beside you even the odds against it. I’ll be still your friend, I hope that you are the same to me.
One day in the future, we will separate our lives. Change comes next. You and I may change, but I won’t regret anything. As I look back the past that I am with you, I can reminisce the memories we had as a good friend.
Right now, all I want you is to be on my side my dear friend. That’s all I ask for, nothing more, nothing less.
11 September 2014
Today, I was enlightened by the truth hidden in my eyes.
It’s already confirmed. I no longer need to be confused anymore.
Thanks to my beloved friend! ❤
10 September 2014
You are like a drug even if no matter how much i tried to give up on you yet my heart still wanting you.
I used to imagine to be with you. I am happy. I am fine. You are more than a friend but I am afraid to make you my lover, because I am not your happiness.
Hoping that it’s only a daydream and sooner i’ll wake up from this insanity without having any memories.
Why do I need to be like this, I am not even wishing for it. Why I do keep hurting myself for the same reason? I am sick of it and still keeping on it.
I no longer need help from others, all I need is to start helping myself.
© photo by Adriane Dizon
07 September 2014
It was started back then…
A year ago in February, you caught my eyes accidentally. In a way that I didn’t expect.
I opened my mail and I saw your face competing with my friend in a contest. I was about to vote for you, but then I saw my friend’s name, so she got my vote instead of you. Observing your face, made me think that you can’t be my friend nor an acquaintance. Your face seems so hard to be with, so strict and unhappy.
After few months later, I met you in a short time. I talked with you a bit and we laughed. It seemed so good to be with you, but it didn’t last.
A few months later, after the first meeting, I got a chance to be friend with you because of our common friend. I was afraid to be close to you for some reason. Well, it’s not an odd reason, though. I fear to like you the way I liked my best friend before.
Time passes by, and I didn’t notice that I appreciate more and more.
I felt something strange when I am with you. It’s hard to accept this feeling since you are my best friend and you are something that I can’t never be called “mine”.
Today, I told you a “half-secret” about my feeling. It wasn’t clear, I know you didn’t even get the point. Still, I am glad the way you react to it.
Now, I am still with you. Keeping those feelings in my heart makes me hard to forget you. As long as I am with you, I can’t assure to change the feeling of having you near me.
Yet, I am trying harder… Harder enough to let you go…
Trusting myself and letting myself be free..
03 September 2014
From this day onward, I am setting you free. I hope you will be happy for the one that you choose. I hope I will be happy too, for you and for the freedom I am turning over to me.
Please be happy and contented then I’ll be happy for you.
Tears… but its for the better.